Ann1: Are your toes sagging?

Audience: Yes! Yepper! Yippee!

Inquisitor: Yippee? You might want to consider changing "Yippee" to Yowsers or Yellow.

Audience: Yellow! Yowsers!

Ann1: When you work out your body to tone and trim it into the shape you want, why don't you tone your toes too?

Audience: What a great idea!

Host: Straight from the infamous Bulgarian beauty secrets to you comes....TOE-RIFFIC!

Inquisitor: Toe-Riffic is not a word.

Host: It is now!

Audience: MMMBop is a word.

Inquisitor: Not worth mentioning.

Jesse: ::throws a lump of brick cheese at inquisitor:: How DARE you say that about my sacred Hanson hunnie-bunnies!

Inquisitor: Oof, oooooof!

Lucy: Hanson Stinks!

Everyone: ::cheers::


Host: OOOoooooK! That was pointless!

Jesse: What?!

Host: Uhh, oh, nothing....

Jesse: OK

Director: Come on, get back on track here!

Host: So, you say youíre interested in our amazing toe-toning machine?

Audience: Yeah!

Host: But you need results donít you? ::looks skeptically at audience::

Audience: Yes, give us proof!

Host: OK! Rob?

Rob: Last year my toes were FAT! I can admit that now. But after I started on the Toe-Riffic workout plan, it has changed my life! My toes are now only 3/4 of an inch wide! And now that I smell like garlic no more pigeons and vampires follow me around!

Audience: Ooooooooo!

Host: Ruthelford, you went through the program too didn't you? ::floor shakes::

Cheap Car Guy AKA Ruthelford: Yes-sirree Bobby Boy!

Host: And what wonders has it worked for you? ::floor shakes again::

Ruthelford: My toes sagged like you could never imagine. Well, maybe if you imagine a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup....but anyway, I couldnít eat with them anymore! They were dead! D-E-D Dead! They flopped every which way! But after just a few years on the Toe-Riffic plan a miracle happened. My toes just woke up! They were fit and toned and now I can eat my Toasty Cheese Crackers again!

Audience: YEAH!!!

Host: ::sniffs:: What a touching story. And thatís just a small handful of the unbelievable results of the Toe-Riffic plan. Millions of personal trainers in other countries already use Toe-Riffic!

Inquisitor: Bleep, bleep, bleep, spelling error, spelling error. Already does not contain vegetable oil!

Host: Humph! Who said anything about vegetable oil? ::floor shakes::

Ruthelford: I canít eat vegetable oil, itís too slippery and that goes right on to my toes.

Inquisitor: ::Hums Jeopardy theme:: Dum de dum dum dum de dum, dum de dum de dum da dumdumdumdum.....beep beep, timeís up, stop writing. Ruthelford, what did you come up with? ::floor shakes::

Ruthelford: ::smirks:: Vegetable Oil!

Audience: ::applauds::

Inquisitor: Iím sorry, but that is incorrect.

Audience: Awww man!

Inquisitor: Rob, what did you come up with?

Rob: ::frowns, then smiles:: GARLIC!!!

Audience: Yea!!!

Inquisitor: Congratulations!

Audience: Whoopee!

Inquisitor: And Jesse, what did you come up with?

Jesse: Umm, Iím a contestant? Oh, OK, uhhhh, HANSON!

Inquisitor: No, Iím sorry, Hanson is not in one of the four major food groups. ::floor shakes::


Inquisitor: Itís in the 5th group! Itís an oil!

Ruthelford: Who eats Hanson?!?

Inquisitor: No one! ::floor shakes::

Ruthelford: Then whyíd it count?!?!?

Inquisitor: It didnít! I hold you in contempt of this game show!

Director: When did we become a game show? ::floor shakes again::

Ruthelford: I donít know what contempt is, BUT I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT!!!!!

Inquisitor: Fine with me.

Host: If you call in the next half hour, you can get the Toe-riffic machine and a tape to show you how to use it for only 7 easy payments of $39.95. Call now 1-800-GLOBALSTUFF!

Director: We have a phone number?

Jesse: No one eats the MMMBoppers!

Director: Does that have anything to do with how we got a telephone number?

Host: Ruthelford, what are you doing to the cue cards? ::floor shakes::

Ruthelford: Making the phone number.

Host: OK, pick up the phone and die.... I mean dial! ::phone rings:: ::floor shakes::

Ruthelford: It tis I! I make the phone ringeth!

Director: Where we get a phone?

Inquisitor: You canít get rid of it, it came pre-installed.

Host: Oh sheesh!

Inquisitor: Sheesh is not a word. Perhaps you mean sheet or another word like MMMBop not meant to be said by civilized people?

Host: Oh gerbil!

Inquisitor: Oh gerbil? Since when is that a known phrase?

Host: Since now. ::presses learn button::

Inquisitor: ::blinks:: Ahhh! Oh gerbil. Oh gerbil. Oh gerbil!

Hanson Groupies: ::sings oh Gerbil to the tune of MMMBop::

Host: Hey, their songs actually sound better that way!!!

Jesse: Sings with groupies:: O-Dot, Ohio Department of transpot, O-Dot, a wiggly blob on the, Road-Dot, weíll clean it up, ooo-oo-Dot.

Host: What happened to Oh Gerbil? ::floor shakes::

Ruthelford: Didnít fit!

Host: Youíre a Hanson groupie? ::floor shakes::

Ruthelford: NO WAY! I just like stereotypes of Hanson lovers. Theyíre so susceptible to stupid singing cravings!

Host: Mmmm, something smells like Kool-Aide!

Inquisitor: Oh I give up, this job is hopeless. All these words that donít exist!

Host: Good, go away! Good riddance! ::floor shakes::

Ruthelford: He didnít mean that!

Back to Main
Back to the Lost Infomercials