Well Manicured Man
Cigarette Smoking Man
Captain James T. Kirk
and your host.....
Pat Sajak with co-host/narrator Agent Smith
"Syndicate Island" is a purely satirical parody. Any
resemblance to material, people, and/or characters copyrighted, living, or owned presently, formerly, or futurely is purely coincidental. Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Langly, Frohike, Byers, CSM, WMM, Fowley, Krycek, and Marita all belong to Chris Carter and 1013 productions. I'm not making any profit here, and, afterall, I'm just borrowing them for a little while. Yoda belongs to George Lucas and his numerous subsidaries or whatever. Captain Kirk belongs to.. umm. Oh well, he belongs to someone whose name I've forgotten right now. I've also forgotten who Agent Smith belongs to, also. But to them, remember, I'm not making money. And it is a parody, afterall. Oprah, Regis, Pat Sajak, and Fran Drescher all belong to themselves because they're real people. If they're reading this... (which I seriously doubt they are..), I'm just having a little fun. Nothing personal. However, if you are reading this and would like to yell at me for making fun of you, go ahead and e-mail me. I won't mind at all, and I could tell everyone that I got e-mail from Regis, Fran, Pat, or Oprah. Oh, and same thing goes for Chris Carter, George Lucas, and the people who I can't remember.(-; All asides are in parentheses. Actions are in double-colons. Not the body parts. Obscenities have been replaced with nonsense words for your convenience. My apologies for the out-of-character Agent Smith. His program was re-written by the Survivor hacker.
Pat: Good morning everyone. It's 2:00 in the morning here in the
Pacific. In less than 5 minutes you will meet the 18 new
inhabitants of Syndicate Island. But first, let's give everyone a
little idea of what they're like.
Agent Smith: The So-Long tribe is heavily saturated in mystery,
deception, and smoke. Lots of smoke, darn it! The Cigarette
Smoking Man. Also known as CGB Spender. He is a conspirator and a
member of the shadowy X-Files Syndicate.... Well Manicured Man.
Do we know his real name? No. But apparantly he likes his
nails.... Krycek, Ratboy. So many names. One message. Evil....
But, when speaking of evil, one can never forget the
unforgettable Fran Drescher. You may remember her from the show
"The Nanny.".... Diana Fowley. Her first name is
spelled almost like Dana. Only with an I.... Captain James T.
Kirk... he needs no explanation. He's Kirk.... Regis Philban.
Host of the classic show: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Is that
you're final member?.... No. Last, but not least in the So-Long
tribe is Oprah. We hope she will bring balance to this group,
being so Oprah-ish and all.
Pat: The boat is only 15 minutes from shore now, after a slight
delay when Oprah was tossed blatantly into the shark-infested
ocean by an unknown purpetrator. All attempts to save her failed.
Marita of the Fly-Bee tribe was killed trying. The only clue as
to who comitted this heinous crime is a box of Morleys found near
the scene. And we all know what that means. That's right..
Someone is trying to frame the Cigarette-Smoking Man. Darn you,
evil Pat Sajak. Wait! I AM Pat Sajak.
Agent Smith: Moron. (I'll enjoy watching you die, Mr. Sajak)
::a-hem:: And now for the Fly-Bee Tribe.... Skinner. An Assistant
Director for the FBI. No one knows whose side he's on.... Langly.
One of the 3 Lone Gunmen..... Byers. Another of the 3 Lone
Gunmen.... Frohike. Don't you findit odd that there's 3 Lone
Gunmen?.... Yoda. The loveable green muppet from the Star Wars
Trilogy.... Mulder. Almost everyone's favorite Special Agent....
Scully. Everyone else's favorite special agent.... Marita. She's
dead, what can we say?
Pat: Alright. That was great. While we wait for our butt-load
(Boat-load? Really? Stupid glare!) of survivors to arrive, Agent
Smith will take you on the grand tour of the island.
Agent Smith: We are here at Enkita Atoll - A former penal colony
that was converted into a lepper colony during the Great New York
Leprosy Outbreak. It is now rigged with cameras and flush
commodes for staff use only. The Survivors are to figure out
their own bathing facilities, and we will be sure to show you
them making use of their make-shift outhouses.
Pat: We will now very quickly go over the rules before our tribes
arrive on the island. All members will come with only one
suitcase each and the clothes on their backs.... and whatever is
in the pockets of the afforementioned clothes. The competitors
are not permitted to have any leathal weaponry, cellular phones,
computers, or macantoshes in their posession. Laptop or
otherwise. Once the teams arrive on the island, they will begin
to attempt to make fire, housing, and other such tasks... And
here they are! ::camera cuts to people coming off boat:: Welcome
to Syndicate Island! So-long, your camp will be over this way, on
the east side of the island. Fly-Bee, your camp is on the west
side of the island. There is to be no inter-tribe mingling until
after the first 6 tribal councils, when the two will be combined
into one compound tribe called So-Fly, Long-Bee, or Wakikiwa. It
is at the request of our corporate superiors that we not
interfere with the goings-on of the tribes, but we will anyway,
challenging them for food and innoculation against banishment. We
will now leave you to watch the tribes moving into their
respective camps. Join us next week for the first challenges.
Day 2: Syndicate Island - So-Long Tribe:
CSM: Where the cupcake are my flinging Morleys?! ::goes into a
withdrawl-induced swearing fit::
WMM: This is the most I've heard him talk since '79 when they
told him he couldn't swim in the quarries anymore. I think it
really threw off his psyche.
::everyone else in the tribe just sits around staring at him::
CSM: I said where the cupcake are my flinging Morleys?!
Fran Drescher: Hey! You'd better shut your loopy mouth! We're
stuck on this island together for months, on national television,
you blue-green idiot! ::fluffs her hair and the camera suddenly
::a ringing is heard in the background::
::Scully is hiding behind a tree on her cell phone, also::
Scully: Hi Mulder.
Yoda: Have cellphones you may not, yes?
::Mulder turns around abruptly and aims his gun at Yoda::
Mulder: We can too have cellphones.
Yoda: A liar you are! Tells me does the force and the producers.
Mulder: I didn't lie...
Scully: He willfully participated in a campaign of
::the cameraman decides that he doesn't want to hear anymore
X-Files quotes and digs himself a hole in the sand, leaving only
the all Pat, all day camera::
Pat: ::singing:: Here we go loop de loo, here we go loop de lie.
::Agent smacks himself on the forehead::
Agent Smith: I will enjoy watching you die, Mr. Sajak.
Pat: Me too!! Wait! I AM Pat Sajak!
::storm clouds are beginning to gather on the horizon::
Agent Smith: ::to both teams:: Welcome to your first challenge.
You are to pick one member of your team to swim out into the
ocean and retrieve an impossibly small trinket similar to this
one ::holds up an impossibly small trinket:: from the bottom of
::both teams spend several seconds deliberating. So-long decides
to send the CSM, while Fly-Bee sends Mulder::
CSM: ::whispering to the rest of the So-Long tribe:: We steal the
one Smith's got.
::the rest of the tribe nods in agreement and CSM goes up to the
start line next to Mulder. Mulder turns around and nods at his
tribe. Agent Smith rings the bell and both Mulder and CSM tackle
Mulder: I saw him first, Cancer Man!
CSM: Get off me, you cankerous worm!
::Agent Smith goes staticky and suddenly Scully is in his place.
CSM's and Mulder's eyes get wide::
Mulder: I've never seen you in a bikini before, Scully.
::Scully gives Mulder The Look::
::By now the bloodlust in Scully's eyes is unmistakable, then she begins to beat CSM and Mulder with driftwood::
Mulder: Ow! OWW! SCULLLLY! OUCH! Was it something I said?
Scully: And this is for everything you've done to me in shipper fics!
::the rest of the scene is edited out with a black screen and
polka music playing in the background. You can faintly hear Byers mumble "Wouldn't that mean that Agent Smith was wearing a bikini?" Then the screen switches
once again to the all Pat, all day camera. Pat is sitting at a table in his Canadian bathing suit playing chess with a monitor lizard. The lizard
Pat: Bob! Darn you! That's not fair! You're cheating! You can't
move that piece! Stinker!
::the lizard gets up, walks over to Pat, and starts to gnaw on
Pat: Help! Help! Someone saaaaaaaave me!
::un-surprisingly, no one comes to save him::
Fran Drescher: What are we going
to do about Fly-Bee? ::whines::
CSM: Come on. Like I don't have my
men watching them.
::everyone looks around and sees
that Krycek is gone::
Frohike: Hey, Mulder. I've got a
feeling we're being watched.
Mulder: Aliens! ::Mulder jumps up
into a tree and Krycek falls out, landing on top of Yoda::
Byers: Is he dead?
Scully: I don't know. ::walks over
to him and takes his pulse while Mulder tackles Krycek::
Krycek: Hehehe, Mulder. How nice
of you to greet me!
All of the Fly-Bee tribe: Get
::Krycek sulks away::
Fowley: Jungle salad AGAIN?! Kirk!
Get over here!
::Kirk walks over, wearing a white
apron and a tall, white chef's hat::
CSM: Where the fluke man did he
WMM: Beats me.
Fran: We're sick of salad, Kirk.
Either you find us real food, or you ARE the food!
::everyone turns to Fran::
Regis: This is only the 4th day
and you're ready to resort to cannibalism? Is that your final
::everyone else looks at eachother
and nods silently in agreement. Then Krycek walks back into the camp::
Krycek: Hey Reege!
Regis: Yo! Prince Krycek!
Krycek: Don't call me Prince. ::to
the camera:: Regis was really found in the bottom of the ocean
inside an alien spaceship. His full name is
Registopholes-Finalanswer-Bluebubblegum, but we just call him
Regis for short.
CSM: Krycek, who are you talking
Krycek: The camera.
CSM: What camera?
Krycek: This camera. ::steals the
camera from the cameraman and shows it to CSM, resulting in a
Blair Witch-esque closeup of his nosehairs::
Cameraman: Ewww. That is not a nice picture. ::passes out in the sand::
Fran: ::looks at everyone and nods silently::
Yoda: Snuck guns onto the island you did? Snuck guns onto the island you did!
::Mulder and Scully pick up their handguns::
Mulder: They're just for hunting, so we don't have to resort to cannibalism.
Byers: Like the other tribe did.
Skinner: How do you know what's going on with them?
Frohike: Wire tap.
Scully: But they don't have any phones...
Mulder: Well.. we managed to sneak our phones.. and guns, for that matter, onto the island.
Scully: We're federal agents, Mulder. We were trained to be able to do that.
Mulder: Oh, yeah.
::Skinner rolls his eyes::
Langly: But anyway, Mulder... ::climbs up the nearest palm tree:: The bugs are in the coconuts.
Scully: ::starts to sing:: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
Skinner: Deedly Dee
Mulder: Here they are a-standing in a row.
Skinner: Deedly Dee Dum!
All Pat, All Day:
Pat: Welcome back. Today the tribes will have to endure their most challenging challenge yet. An uncompleted challenge that is not yet completed, but will be.
Agent Smith: In other words: We're giving the tribes another challenge tomorrow. Tune in next week to see the results!
Pat Sajak: Welcome back. Today the tribes will have to endure their most challenging challenge yet. An uncompleted challenge that is not yet completed, but will be. Yes, I know I've already repeated myself again. It's my job as a television host to be repetative and annoying. It's my job. It's my job, darn it! CURSE YOU, E-VIL PAT SAJAK! When I escape, I will kill your descendants! And your descendents' descendants! Better yet... I'll go back in time with the master sword and kill your parents! ::Pat digs a fork into his own ear:: DIE EVIL PAT SAJAK! YOU ARE EEEEEVIL! EEEEEEVIL!
Agent Smith: Apparently he has jungle rot on the brain. Erm.. umm... something like that.
::Agent Smith starts to spark::
::The tribe members, taking the sparks to be fireworks, signalling their next challenge, walk down the beach to Pat Sajak and Agent Smith's private cottage. The cameras follow, and halfway down the beach the So-Long tribe spots the Fly-Bee tribe coming from the other direction. The two tribes run at each other, shouting their respective battle cries::
Fly-Bee: LOVE STINKS!
So-Long: ARRID WORKS!
Fly-Bee: Does not!
So-Long: Does too!
Fly-Bee: Does not!
So-Long: Does too times infinity!
Fly-Bee: Does not times more than you can count!!
::how the two tribes have managed to shout the exact same thing at the exact same time for so long has illuded the action-narrator, causing her to spontaneously combust::
So-Long: Does no... DOH!
::the Fly-Bee tribe bursts into song and laughter and dances around the remains of the So-Long tribe, believing they have won the challenge::
Alex Krycek: I think that our tribe is being shunned by the writers and network executives.
Diana Fowley: I agree. They put all of us in one tribe just so they could discriminate against us for our alternative lifestyles!
Mulder: Diana.. I.. I.. Never knew. I mean.. Krycek, sure.. but you?
::Diana and Alex attack Mulder and throw him out into the ocean::
Diana: We meant choosing evil!
Alex: Dang.. that's a shame we had to do that to him, he was kinda cute....
::everyone stares at Alex and Diana::
Regis: I love you, Alex!
Alex: I love you too!
::the two run at eachother while cheesy music plays in the background, and just as they are about to reach eachother, the producers walk on-screen::
Producer: OK, gig's up.
Skinner: But it's only been 4 days!
Producer: That's the point. It's been 4 days and already our ratings are lower than they've been for 5 days.
Mulder: Your point being...
Producer: You're all boring slobs! And how'd you get out of the ocean so quickly?
Fran: I thought this was reality TV.
Producer: Well, it isn't anymore. We've got to get your guys some conspiracy, instability... excitement!!
::everyone looks toward CSM, who is missing::
Scully: He got away again!
::the Producer smiles evilly and walks away::
Mulder: Hey! Get back here! You owe us some answers!
WMM: It's reality TV, Mr. Mulder.
Kirk: OK, so what now?
Yoda: Knows no one does. Gone is the CSM, missing are Agent Smith and Pat Sajak.
Byers: Dang! Pat was the only thing this show had going for it!
Diana: Oh well. Let's go make piņa coladas and have wild island... ((censored for your protection. Anyone that's seen Letterman knows what goes there))!
Diana: Yeah, I guess you're right, piņa coladas aren't that good when you have to make them from sea-water, sand, and kelp. Oh, and those rare island hamsters! Everyone loves island hamsters!
::the Producers run back in and snatch Diana up for her sickening suggestions::
Kirk: That was very counter-productive.
Mulder: Oh well.
Scully: I guess you're right.
Yoda: Have better things to do do the Americans.
Regis: Americans have no lives! And they all like my show!
Langy: Actually, it's been proved that it's popularity is only a result of the fact that it proves the vast majority of people to be very stupid.
Byers: You know, we are being recorded.
Frohike: The walls have ears.
Kirk: There are no walls.
::Regis attacks the cameraman and starts gnawing on his arm::
Alex: Let's go get some rest so we can have a good fight in the morning.
Alex: They said we had to be interesting.
Fran: Can't we just form secret alliances and turn each other against other people who really haven't done anything to them?
Regis: How about both?
Alex: Ingenious! You'll grow up to be a good rat someday.
Regis: Thank you, Prince Alex!
::The entire So-Long tribe groans (minus Regis, who is still beaming proudly) and walks off to their beach::
In a secret port-a-potty somewhere on the island....
Flunkie 1: Ms. Fowley, is it true that you made obscene suggestions to your fellow islanders after getting drunk on seaweed piņa coladas?
Diana: Yes sir. Sorry Sirs.
Flunkie 2: Good. Now, MARCH!
::Flunkies 1 and 2 beat on the side of the port-a-potty as Diana marches around it counting to 8 repeatedly::
Flunkie 1: Are you sorry now, Fowley?
Diana: I was sorry before!
Flunkie 2: Dang, I was expecting more resistance from her.
Diana: I don't even know whose side I'm on.
Flunkie 1: Quiet and keep marching! You're out of line! LEFT! LEFT! ::pauses just long enough for Fowley to step on her left foot again:: LEFT! I said left you innane scumsucker!
Diana: Sorry, SIR!
Flunkie 2: ::sighs:: I remember when brainwashing used to be fun.
Flunkie 1: And educational.
Flunkie 2: Not to mention exciting.
Flunkie 1: Exactly.
Flunkie 2: Saaaay. I've got an idea.
Flunkie 1: Great. And what would that be?
Flunkie 2: Ms. Fowley! About face!
::Diana turns around sharply and trips over a root::
Flunkie 2: Ms. Fowley, tell me. Do you, or did you ever have relations with Agent Mulder?
::Flunkie 1 elbows Flunkie two in the ribs::
Diana: Yes sir!
Flunkie 2: You are not to continue in this, understand? You will betray your fellow conspirators to save him, but will be killed.
Diana: But, I already did that!
Flunkie 1: Silence in the ranks! Mark time!
::Diana continues to march in place::
Flunkie 2: But if you're dead, how are you here?
Diana: No one ever...
Flunkie 1: Silence! That was a rhetorical question!
Diana: But he asked..
Flunkie 1: I said silence!!
::the two flunkies shove Diana into the port-a-potty headfirst::
Flunkie 2: Now, Ms. Fowley. Remember, you are to destroy the recipe to your seaweed piņa coladas when you return to camp. You will tell no one where you've been. You will cease your sick comments. And you will leave Mulder alone.
Diana: ::her voice echos through the port-a-potty:: Yes sirs!
::Flunkies 1 and 2 walk off into the woods, leaving Diana behind::
Diana: Sirs? Pardon? HEY! Come back! ::starts to whine:: Come baaaaack! Awww man! Hey, it's darned hot in here! And it stinks! HEEEEEELP!!!!
Day 6: So-Long Beach
Pat: Fly-Bee has won our first supply challenge.
Krycek: But, they didn't even do anything!
Agent Smith: But your tribe was the first to try to resort to cannibalism...
Regis: So? If Prince Alex deems us worthy of cannibalism, that is what we will do. We follow Prince Alex. HAIL PRINCE ALEX!
::Regis drops to his knees and bows down to Krycek::
Pat: Oooo-k. And my psychologist told me I was weird.
Regis: Prince Alex told me I wasn't weird. I'm special.
Fran: Can we eat Kirk yet?
Krycek: Forget Kirk! Let's eat Pat!
Regis: Is that your final answer?
::The So-long Tribe stares at Pat Sajak like he's a large, buttery turkey stuffed to the max with stuffing with all the trimmings on Thanksgiving::
Krycek: Mmmm... tuuuurkey.
Pat: Oh no you don't! Bob, sick 'em!
::Bob the Monitor Lizard detaches himself from Pat's leg and waddles over towards the So-Long tribe::
Kirk: It's that lizard!!
Fran: What lizard?
CSM: Kill it! Kill it! It's a cold-blooded meanie!
::everyone stares at the CSM as he climbs up a tree screaming::
WMM: Charles Spender get back down here! It's just a lizard! And where'd you come from, anyway?
CSM: It's EEEEEEVIL! An EEEVIL killer, I tell you!
WMM: OK.. just calm down.. Take deep breaths.
::CSM breathes in and loses his grip on the tree, falling on Fowley who has finally managed to get her head out of the port-a-potty::
Fran: P-U! What the heck happened to you?
Regis: Fran made a rhyme!
::Pat, in a moment of wisdom, takes this moment of distraction to run back onto his boat, snatching up Bob on the way::
Kirk: Aww man! There went lunch!
CSM: I'm still not coming down!
Everyone else: Fine!
Fran: Where have you been, Diana?
Kirk: How could you have been nowhere if you're here now, but you weren't here before.. logically you must have been somewhere.
Diana: I can't remember where I was...
::The rest of the So-Long tribe look at each other and nod.. "Pina Colada"::
Same day, on Fly-Bee Beach:
::Flunkie 1 hands Mulder a large wooden box and then pries it open::
Langly: What's in it?
Scully: ::looking into the box:: What? Beer? Popsicles? And what is this? Anchovies? Mushrooms? Playboy?
::Scully gives Mulder The Look::
Flunkie 1: Oops. Sorry guys, that box is for Pat!
::Flunkie 1 picks up a different box and takes back the first one::
Frohike: Non-perishable canned produce!
Scully: Much better. Now we can stop eating those island hamsters.
Skinner: Island hamsters?! NOOOO!!! FLUFFY!!!! I ate you for luuuunch!
Mulder: Skinner? Sir? What's wrong?
Skinner: We.. ::sniffles:: ate.. ::sniffles:: FLUFFY!! ::Skinner bursts into tears::
Day 7: So-Long Beach (3:54 AM)
::most of the tribe is asleep.. except for Kryeck, who never sleeps because he is a rat with many predators::
CSM: ::talking in his sleep:: I've seen presidents die. You wouldn't shoot me. ::CSM wakes up screaming, grabs his gun, and starts shooting madly into the woods::
Krycek: Easy, easy. It's OK.. it's just a dream.
CSM: So Mulder's not here?
Krycek: Yes, he is.
::CSM starts shooting again::
Kryeck: It's OK! He's.. he's on the other side of the beach. I'll kill him tomorrow if it'll make you feel any better.
CSM: OK, OK. Thanks. That'll make things much better.
::CSM goes to sleep and Kryeck checks all the beds to make sure no one got shot when Fran Drescher wakes up screaming::
Fran: I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIEEEEEE! I'M DEAD!! I'M DEAD!!
Krycek: Whoa. Take it easy. You're not dead.
Fran: But I'm bleeding. Look! Blood! BLOOD EVERYWHERE! The evil woodland creatures will surely get me now! ::whines::
::Krycek doubles over in pain from the noise Fran's making::
Fran: Are you OK? Did you get shot too?
Krycek: Shot? Oh, no. CSM was just shooting into the trees. ::Kryeck looks at Fran's arm:: Hmm.. he used to be a better shot than that.
Krycek: Oh, nothing. Sooo, looking forward to dinner tonight? (DANG! Not fatal. I hope she dies of gangreen).
Fran: You mean, if we ever get one of those special dinners you'll take me?
Krycek: Uh.. sure. Now go back to sleep.
Fran: ALL RIGHT! I mean.. OK. Great.
::Fran skips back to her bed singing about how she got a date with Alex while he silently throws up in the corner::
Krycek: ::shaking his fist at the sky:: Why me???
Later That Day.. Challenge Beach (5:35 PM)
Pat: Good afternoon everyone! Welcome to our first combined Challenge/Reward challenge. The top scoring team will...
Langly: Wait.. didn't the producers tell us you died?
Pat: Oh, I did.
Pat: So anyway, the top scoring team will get the immunity idol. The top scoring player will get a special dinner with another member of their tribe.
::Krycek looks like he's about to kill someone, but as Pat goes on her realizes he could just lose purposefully::
Pat: Everyone in the tribe will stand at the top of this cliff and dive onto one of the 5 targets below. Each target has an assigned point value from 50 points to 500 points. There are two 50-point rings, one 100 point ring, one 250 point ring, and one 500 point ring. Once at the bottom you will swim to the shore and be picked up by a helicopter and airlifted back up here. The Fly-Bee Tribe will go first. Please line up in alphabetical order.
Yoda: By first or last name do we line up?
Mulder: But you don't even have a last name...
Yoda: So? Questioning me are you? Use the force against you I could!
Mulder: OK, OK. ::Mulder backs up::
Pat: You will go by last name.
WMM: And those of us without last names?
Pat: Then you'll go by your first name, or alias. Fly-Bee, are you ready?
::Byers dives off the cliff, screams all the way down, and misses a 50-point target by 2 feet. Then Frohike steps up to the edge and does a graceful swan dive through a 50-point target. Langly, Mulder, and Scully all hit 100-point rings, Skinner hits a 250 point ring, and Yoda finishes up by using the force to guide himself to the 500-point ring.::
Pat: OK. A total of 1200 points. That's gonna be tough to beat. So-Long, are you ready?
::CSM dives off and lands inside one of the 100 point rings. Fran dives off next and completely misses the target area. Then Fowley and Kirk dive, landing 100 and 50 points each, respectively. The Krycek walks backwards towards the cliff, slips on a mossy rock, and falls right through the 500-point ring.::
Fran: What's wrong, Alex?
::Krycek grumbles as Regis dives off, hitting the 250 point ring::
Regis: Aww man. I'll never be as good as you, Prince Krycek!
::Finally, WMM dives off the cliff and lands inside a 100-point ring. As the last of the So-Long tribe arrives back on top of the cliff they start a celebration::
Fran: We won! We finally won! And Alex, dear, you get the dinner!
::Krycek looks like he's about to jump off the cliff, but he gets swept off towards camp with the rest of his celebrating tribe::
Skinner: What's going on here, Pat? I thought you told me that we'd win! What happened to our deal?
Pat: I, I.. It couldn't be helped! Kryeck.. he, he fell!
Skinner: You rigged it for him so he could go to dinner with that Fran Drescher!
Pat: I did not!
::Skinner shoves Pat off the cliff and walks back to camp with the rest of his tribe::
Pat: Hey! I can't swim! HELP! HELP ME!
That Night (9:42 PM)
::Pat and Agent Smith pull up in a motor boat::
Pat: So Krycek, have you decided who you're taking?
::Fran bats her eyes at Krycek and he, half gagging, half sighing, agrees to take Fran::
Pat: Very well then, hop aboard.
::Krycek and Fran hop aboard the boat, which takes them to a large luxury liner::
Fran: Thank you, Alex. You're so kind.
::Fran kisses Krycek and he leans over the edge of the boat and throws up::
Krycek: Yeah, sure.
::several caterers run out and serve Kryeck and Fran their dinners and they eat::
Fran: This is much better than Kirk's jungle salad.
::The two finish their dinners in silence until Pat comes in::
Pat: Sorry to break up your romaaaaaaaaantic dinner, but there's someone I want you to meet.
::Pat leads Fran and Krycek up into the captain's quarters::
Fran: Who are you?
Jamie: I'm Jamie. You know, from Big Brother?
Fran & Krycek: Ooooh. Big Brother.
Krycek: They voted you out of the house?
Jamie: Oh no, the people there love me. I just took a little temporary leave. The producers figured no one would miss me.
::quick cut to the Big Brother house where Josh is crying by the pool::
::cut back to captain's room as the ship shudders::
Jamie: Umm, Pat? How do you drive this thing?
Pat: Darned if I know..
Krycek: What smells like smoke?
::suddenly the ship blows up, sending Jamie, Fran, Krycek, and Pat flying in all different directions::
Pat: I can't swim! HELP! And I think I'm very badly burned.. I can't feel my left leg. ::Pat looks down under the water:: Oh, that's just you Bob. BOB! You're gonna drown!
::A black helicopter appears above and picks up Pat and Krycek, but they can't find Jamie or Fran anywhere::
First Tribal Council:
Pat: ::who is still soaking wet and a little singed from his earlier boat encounter:: Welcome to the first tribal council. Tonight, the first person to leave Synicate Island not in a body bag will be voted off by their fellow tribe members.
::The Fly-Bee tribe looks around at eachother, trying to decide who will go::
Skinner: I swear Pat, if we weren't being taped...
Pat: ::quickly:: Time to cast the votes!
::Skinner gets up to cast the first "vote." He walks behind the curtain and writes "Pat" on a piece of paper::
Skinner: OK, your turn..
::Mulder gets up and casts his vote, followed by Scully, Langly, Byers, Frohike, and Yoda::
Pat: ALRIGHT! ::starts jumping up and down:: It's time to tally the vo-otes! One of YOU is gonna diee... I mean leave. He-he. I'm not supposed to tell people that we kill everyone after they're voted off the island so they can't tell everyone who wins.
::The entire Fly-Bee tribe rolls their eyes as Pat runs back behind the curtain and reemerges with the bucket of votes::
Pat: Now, to tally the votes! ::Pat digs through the bucket and picks out all the votes:: We've got one vote for Bob.. BOB! NO! Not BOB! You can't vote Bob off! And um.. ::digs through the bucket:: One for Fluffy.. PHEW! Not Bob..
::Skinner bursts into tears lamenting over his luncheon with Fluffy::
Pat: ::staring at Skinner:: Ooo-k. taP.. who's taP? Oh wait.. PAT! Here's a vote for MEEE! ::shows it to everyone:: I'm going to be el presidente! ::dancing around:: And.. one for "The Entire So-Long Tribe." ::looks terribly confused:: But.. why would you want them to be el presidente!? I shouldn't be Mister President. If I was allowed to vote I'd vote for Bob, because he's very good at chess. And he's very pretty. ::Pat continues to ramble until the producers come and drag him off::
Agent Smith: Do do Pat's unfortunate.. incapacitation, I'm going to have to continue your tribal council. And since I'm not half as dimwitted as Pat, I'm going to make you vote again.. this time using real votes, against real people in your tribe.
::the Fly-Bee tribe lets out a collective groan, then starts to argue over who'll be voted off::
Yoda: Does nothing does Byers! Just sits around in his suit he does, mmm, yees?
Byers: Personally, I think we could stand to loose Langly.
Langly: Hey, this is between you and Yoda, man. I'm not even in this!
Byers: ::rolling his eyes:: And what do you ever do!? Wear your weird t-shirts? And Frohike, he's just a complete scrub!
Mulder: It's a conspiracy! Yoda's using the force against us so we vote everyone off but him!
::Scully rolls her eyes at him, because she doesn't believe in conspiracies, the force, or voting::
Agent Smith: I hate to break up your wonderful bickering, but it's time to vote.. NOW!
::The Fly-Bee tribe cringes and tries to run into the voting pagoda all at once. Finally, after several minutes of elevator-music remixes of Hanson songs, the voting is finished::
Agent Smith:: And now to count the votes! ::picks up the bucket:: Alright, we've got one vote for.. Byers.... ::Byers looks dejected:: Another for Byers.... ::Byers looks like he's about to cry:: One for Yoda. Looks like Mulder's handwriting.. uhh.. err..
::Yoda takes out his lightsaber and attempts to run Mulder through::
Mulder: You son of a llama! Viscious aliens! SCULLLLLY!!
::Scully runs over to Yoda, picks him up by the ears, and hurls him hammer throw-style into the bushes::
Scully: I'm sick of saving your butt Mulder...
Agent Smith: ::clearing his throat:: Ah-hem! Two more for Yoda. One for.. Langly. One for Yoda.. OK. The rest of the votes don't matter.. Yoda is off the island.
Yoda: ::climbing out of the bushes:: Vote me off you cannot! Important I am!
Skinner: You're only a fictional character!
Yoda: And you are not also, yees?
Skinner: But at least there's an actor that plays me! You're just a Muppet!
Frohike: Don't destroy his confidence like that!
Scully: Shut up before I beat you with.. something deadly I'll find on the beach!
Frohike: Scully. ::beams:: I never knew you felt that way!
::Scully starts chasing Frohike around with her torch while Agent Smith takes bets::
Agent Smith: ::a little bit distracted:: Errr. see ya next week when we.. umm.. finally settle this.. tension within this tribe.. what a predicament! 5 bucks on Scully? That's all?
::in the background Frohike is getting the crap beat out of him by Scully while Yoda floats in the air, glowing, then the camera cuts away to the credits::
Day8: So-Long Beach
CSM: Where's Krycek?? Where the freak is Krycek!?
WMM: It's OK! Calm down.. it's OK! He can't die, remember?
::The rest of the tribe stares at them, just as a large black helicopter circes overhead, dropping Krycek::
Krycek: ::soaking wet and a little burnt:: Yes! She's.. GONE!
Regis: PRINCE KRYCEK!!! ::runs over to him:: I missed you so! Who's missing?
Krycek: I missed you too, Reege. And it doesn't matter who she was.. she's GONE! ::goes to kiss the sand, but accidentally kissed a something that looked liek a jellyfish instead:: AHHH! RINGWORM!!! And Fran had our first-aid kit! Drop it all! Drop it all!!
::the tribe looks increasingly confused::
Regis: Drop what?? Drop WHAT?! ::looks worried::
Kirk: Umm.. Alex?
Krycek: Call me Krycek, you nimrod!!! Do I look like Alex Trebek to you??!!
Kirk: No.. uh..
::Krycek runs off in to the water::
Kirk: Krycek it was a plastic BAG!
Krycek: Quit calling me names!
Kirk: I said it was a PLASTIC BAG!
::Krycek runs out of the water with half a dozen real jellyfish stuck to him::
Krycek: Go ahead, call me an old hag to my face, you rejected piece of star-trash!
Kirk: ::looking amused:: Old hag! Old Hag! Old HAG! ::bursts out laughing::
::Krycek turns bright red, takes out his gun, and shoots himself in the foot::
Krycek: ::looks down at his foot:: I'll.. err.. be bleeding in the woods if anyone needs me.. ::Krycek hobbles off and everyone starts laughing at him:: I MEANT TO DO THAT!!!!
Regis: HEY! DON'T BE MEAN TO PRINCE KRYCEK! He's my FRIEND! ::Regis runs into the woods with Krycek, sobbing::