My Expectations

(Writer's Note: You have to have read the story for some of this to make sense. This is in no way intened to be used as a replacement to Great Expectations, for obvious reasons. All lines that were left exactly as they were in the book are in green. The | marks show the pauses in Mr. Jaggers' speech. Dickens probably rolled over in his grave after I wrote this.)
Director: Because Charles Dickens toured America in 1842, advocating copyright laws, I can't legally copy most of what I've copied here. Supposedly, though, it's legal in parody. ::evil laugh:: A-hem. Siskel gives it two thumbs sideways posthumously. The Times says "A truly pathetic masterpiece." And now, for selected scenes based on selected chapters from Dickens' ::coughs:: Masterpiece: Great Expectations.

::card with "MY EXPECTATIONS: The Product of Low-Budget Ameteur Film-Making" written on it is held in front of the camera::
Scene 1

Narrator: We first meet our main character Pip lurking in a graveyard. Word has it he's here often... What a twisted hobby for a 7-year old boy.

Pip: ::sitting on a pink blanket:: Would you like a spot of tea, mum? ::Pip hands the gravestone an imaginary cup of tea when the First Escaped Convict appears::

First Escaped Convict: ::southern accent:: Halloa, Pip!

Pip: How do you know my name, sir?

First Escaped Convict: I know lots of stuff, and I am ever so very close to the truth. ::picks Pip up by the collar:: Tell me now, does HE pay visits in a fortnight?

Pip: No sir, tis only a matter of days. Why do you ask? Everyone knows he's only....

::First Escaped Convict shakes Pip to silcence him::

First Escaped Convict: Quiet you! He'll hear you. He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so now don't upset him or he'll send the Evil Bunny after you!

Pip: The Easter Bunny, sir?

First Escaped Convict: Sure, fine, whatever. Go get me some wittles and a file so I can remove my brace.

Pip: Fiddles in a pile?

First Escaped Convict: No, wittles and a...

Pip: ::interrupting:: Pickles in a vile?

First Escaped Convict: ::becoming frustrated:: No.

Pip: ::quickly:: Poodles in a mile, strudles from a Lyle? ::pauses and takes a breath:: Metal from a style?

First Escaped Convict: Never mind! I'll steal the junk myself! ::drops Pip and stomps off::

Pip: ::to his father's grave:: What a peculiar ol' chap, eh Pa? I should go help him steal so Mrs. Joe doesn't go on the Ram-page for not helping him out. ::Pip runs off and shouts ahead of him:: I'll meet you here tomorrow with nickels made from bile!

Scene 2

Joe: Your sister's on the Ram-page again, Pip!

Pip: But... I helped the man seeking the truth!

::Joe gives Pip a sideways look::

Joe: Quick! Here she comes! Close your eyes! If you can't see her, she can't see you!

::Pip squeezes his eyes closed as Mrs. Joe knocks on the door. Pip runs to answer it with his eyes still closed and hits the wall instead, falling over behind the door. Mrs. Joe throws open the door, hitting Pip::

Mrs. Joe: Where have you been, you little monkey??

Pip: I was only out helping the truth-seeking man, like you would have wanted me.

Mrs. Joe: The truth-seeking man?

Pip: Yes, he seeks the truth.

Mrs. Joe: I was the one who brought you up by hand! I wil show you not to go seeking the truth with other quost "truth-seeking men."

::Mrs. Joe shakes Tickler at Pip::

Pip: I'll lay down behind the door again so as you can beat me with it, but please, anything but Tickler!

Mrs. Joe: I'm letting you off too easily...

Pip: While you're letting me off easily, can I have some wittles? Maybe a file?

Mrs. Joe: What would you need things like that for? And now? Why?

Pip: ::shrugs helplessly:: I was just gonna steal them later anyway...

Mrs. Joe: Why I oughta... ::growls and shakes Tickler at Pip, then blinks in and out of the scene::

Scene 3

::Pip sneaks into the kitchen, steals the stuff and runs out while a chorus of people in the background hum the Mission Impossible theme::
Scene 4

::Pip skips into the graveyard::

Pip: ::singing:: Silence, s'il vous plaît, silence, s'il vous plaît...

Escaped Convict 2: ::wearing a bunny suit and singing also:: Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail...

::both run into each other, fall tot he ground, and run in opposite directions screaming. The camera follows Pip to where he finds the First Escaped Convict::

Pip: You were right! I just saw the Easter Bunny! I'm very sorry for lacking belief!

First Escaped Convict: But, the Easter Bunny doesn't... oh yeah. He's after you, and he's got the truth in his basket! Quickly! Give me the stuff, I've got to chase him down!

::Pip drops the stuff and starts to back away as the First Escaped Convict saws off his leg brace and runs off as someone in the background shouts "Run, Provis, Run!"::

Director: Scenes 5 and 6 as represented in this play have been declared unfit for viewing by the county engineer. We now skip ahead to Scene 7, where Pip meets Miss Estavisham... errr., Miss Havisham and Estella.
Scene 7

::Pip is standing in front of Satis House, and rings the doorbell. Orlick comes to answer, and Estella drags him away by his ear::

Estella: Orlick, get out of here! A-hem. Come in, Pip. You are Pumblechook's boy, correct?

Pip: Yes, miss.

Narrator: Mr. Pumblechook, a weathy corn chandler and Pip's uncle was introduced in Scene 5, but because of legal qualms, wishes to remain anonymous.

::As the Narrator is talking, Pip and Estella look to see where the voice is coming from::

Pip: What is the name of this house, miss?

Estella: Satis.
It means enough in some language or another. It's all the same to me.

Enough House! That's a curious name, miss.

Estella: You betcha. Now come boy, don't loiter.

::The two enter the house, camera pans around Miss Havisham's dressing room, then shows the door, which opens and Pip is shoved inside::

Miss Havisham: Hello? Who is there?

Pip: Pip, ma'am.

Miss Havisham: Pip, ma'am?

Pip: Yes, Pip. I've come to play.

Miss Havisham: Oh good. It is 20 til 9, far as I'm concerned, which means it's team time for me.

Pip: But it was 20 of 9 an hour ago!

Miss Havisham: Don't argue of me, boy!

::Estella runs in, pushing a tea cart with a tea pot and cups on it::

Estella: Tea time, tea time! Don't dare object, boy! ::Estella slaps Pip and runs him over with the cart::

Pip: ::whining:: Owwwwwwwww!

Miss Havisham: Come, entertain me. You can play poker or go fish.

::Miss Havisham hands Estella the cards and whispers "Break the Hearts"::

Estella: What do you play, boy?

Pip: I don't know, miss.

Estella: How about pick 56, with extra knaves!

::Estella throws all the cards on the floor and laughs triumphantly as Pip picks them all up::

Pip: I win!

Estella: ::very frustrated:: You... oh... ::blows a raspberry at Pip:: That's not how you win, boy!

Pip: Your turn! ::throws the cards on the floor in front of Estella:: Hurry! Pick them up! ::sings:: Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere... ::Estella takes out the vacuum cleaner and sweeps up the cards, drowning out Pip::

Miss Havisham: My Cards! Those were an engagement gift! Ohhhh... Lurvvvvv! ::faints::
Scene 8

Narrator: A mysterious stranger appears with a suprise for Pip, but first, a message from one of our sponsors.

::cut to picture of timpani::

Man: It's not an A, it's not a B. If it had a name, it might be Bay... or perhaps Ab, and it's one of the nots in between the notes played on teh Color Timpani 2000.

::fade out with out-of-tune Timpani roll::

Narrator: Now that brings back memories of band camp.. and speaking of memories... pause, you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, buy for the formation of the first link on one memorable day.

::the cast of the characters continue to look for the Narrator, then all walk offset::
Director: We now skip ahead to the next selected scene, based on Chapter 14. I would like to note that none of the dialog from this chapter has been altered except for the end to suit my own strange, uncouth ways. This has been the omniscient, omnipotent author, signing out.
Scene 14

::Joe, Pip, a cardboard cutout of Mr. Pumblechook, and Mr. Jaggers (a drag queen) sit around a fire as the cut out reads the news out loud::

Pumblechook: And te Nasdaq was down 20 points yesterday. Stock market analysts predict a rebound and a gain of at least 15 points today...

Mr. Jaggers: ::pauses every few words:: Well! You have | settled it all | to your own | satisfaction, I have | no doubt. ::paused and everyone gathers around:: From information I | have received, I | have reason to | believe there is | a blacksmith among | you, by name | Joseph - or Joe- | Gargery. Where is the | man?

Joe: Here's the man!

Mr. Jaggers: You have an | apprentice, commonly known | as Pip? Is | he here?

Pip: I am here!

Mr. Jaggers: I wish to | have a private conference | with you two. It will | take a little | time. Perhaps we |had better go | to your place | of residence.

::all three walk off down the street. Camera turns back on inside of Pip's house, lit by one candle::

Mr. Jaggers: My name, is | Jaggers, and I | and a lawyer | in London. | I am pretty | well known. I | have unusual business | to transact with | you, and I | commence by explaining | that it is not | of my originationg. | If my advise | had been asked, | I should not | have been here. | It was not | asked, and you | see me here. | What I have | to do as | the confidential agent | of another, I | do. No less, | no more. ::takes a long deep, rasping breath:: Now, Joseph Gargery, | I am the | bearer of an | offer to relieve | you of this | young fellow, your | apprentice. You would | not object to | cancel his indentures | at his request | and for his | good? You would | want nothing for | so doing?

Joe: Lord forbid that I should want anything for not standing in Pip's way.

Mr. Jaggers: Lord forbidding is | pious but not | to the purpose. | The question is, | would you want | anything? Do you | want anything?

Joe: The answer is, no.

Mr. Jaggers: Very well. Now, | I return to | this young fellow. | And the communication | that I have | got to make | is that he | has Great Expectations.

::Thunder claps and lightning flashes while someone waves a sign with "Great Expectations" written in big, red letters::

::Pip and Joe gasp and look at each other::

Mr. Jaggers: I am instructed | to communicate to | him that he | will come into | a handsome piece | of property. Further, | that it is | the desire of | the present possessor | of the property | that he be | immediately removed from | his present sphere | of life and | from this place | and brought up | as a gentleman of Great Expectations. ::Thunder claps and lightning flashes while someone waves a sign with "Great Expectations" written in big, red letters:: Now, Mr. Pip, | I address the | rest of what | I have to | say to you. | You are to | understand first that | it is the | request of the |person from whom | I take my | instructions that you | always bear the | name of Pip. | You will have | no objection, I | dare say, but |if you have | any objection, this | is the time | to mention it.

Pip: ::stammering:: No objection, sir.

Mr. Jaggers: ::triumphantly:: I should think | not! Now, you | are to understand | secondly, Mr. Pip, | that the name | of the person | who is your | liberal benefaction remains | a profound secret | until the person | chooses to reveal | it firsthand or by | word of mouth | to yourself. When | or where that | intention may be | carried out no | one can say. | It may be | years hence. It | is not the | least to the | purpose what the | reasons of this | prohibition are they | may be the | strongest and gravest | reasons, or they | may be a mere whim. Thi is | not for you | to inquire into. | The condition is | laid down. Your | acceptance of it, | and your observance | of it as | binding, is the | only remaining condition | that I am | charged with by | the person from | whom I take | my instructions. The | person is the | person from whom | you derive your | expectations, and the | secret is solely | held by that | person and by | me. If you | have any objection | to it, this | is the time | to say it. | Speak out.

Pip: ::stammering:: No objection, sir.

Mr. Jaggers: ::triumphantly:: I should think | not! Now, Mr. | Pip, we are | done with stipulations. |
Welcome to the Men in Black.

::the MIB theme music starts to playing the background and Joe jumps up and begins to dance around Mr. Jaggers like he wants to fight. Jaggers takes out a mini-flashlight and shines it in Joe's eyes. Joe collapses to the floor. Will Smith starts singing. A bunch of dancers run in and all begin dancing. Together at first, then they start different dances.::
Director: We would now like to sum up the rest of the story very quickly.

::several scenes flash by very quickly, concluding with a flaming Miss Havisham running toward the camera while fireworks go off in the background and the English national anthem plays::

Director: Thank you all for joining us for ::dramatic pause:: My Expectations. ::fade to credits::

::credits roll. All characters stand against the wall like they are posing for mug shots. Orlick is standing next to the cutout of Mr. Pumblechook and at some point he shoves a flower pot throught the mouth of it. Mrs. Joe shakes Tickler at the camera and knocks out the camera::

Mrs. Joe: Oh! Drat! Sorry! This is all your fault, Pip! ::runs after Pip with the Tickler and the Director gets run over trying to break them up and a huge fight breaks out and someone in the background chants "Jerry, Jerry!"::

© 2000 to "Jahar9". ("Published" under an alias these things don't last half as long... oh well, I sort-of like the feel of anonymity.) The original Great Expectations is in all likeliness Copyright to Charles Dickens, in all his adjective-laden literary wonder.