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Ann1: Are your toes sagging? Audience: Yes! Yepper! Yippee! Inquisitor: Yippee? You might want to consider changing "Yippee" to Yowsers or Yellow. Audience: Yellow! Yowsers! Ann1: When you work out your body to tone and trim it into the shape you want, why don't you tone your toes too? Audience: What a great idea! Host: Straight from the infamous Bulgarian beauty secrets to you comes....TOE-RIFFIC! Inquisitor: Toe-Riffic is not a word. Host: It is now! Audience: MMMBop is a word. Inquisitor: Not worth mentioning. Jesse: ::throws a lump of brick cheese at inquisitor:: How DARE you say that about my sacred Hanson hunnie-bunnies! Inquisitor: Oof, oooooof! Lucy: Hanson Stinks! Everyone: ::cheers:: Jesse: TRAITOR! Host: OOOoooooK! That was pointless! Jesse: What?! Host: Uhh, oh, nothing.... Jesse: OK Director: Come on, get back on track here! Host: So, you say you’re interested in our amazing toe-toning machine? Audience: Yeah! Host: But you need results don’t you? ::looks skeptically at audience:: Audience: Yes, give us proof! Host: OK! Rob? Rob: Last year my toes were FAT! I can admit that now. But after I started on the Toe-Riffic workout plan, it has changed my life! My toes are now only 3/4 of an inch wide! And now that I smell like garlic no more pigeons and vampires follow me around! Audience: Ooooooooo! Host: Ruthelford, you went through the program too didn't you? ::floor shakes:: Cheap Car Guy AKA Ruthelford: Yes-sirree Bobby Boy! Host: And what wonders has it worked for you? ::floor shakes again:: Ruthelford: My toes sagged like you could never imagine. Well, maybe if you imagine a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup....but anyway, I couldn’t eat with them anymore! They were dead! D-E-D Dead! They flopped every which way! But after just a few years on the Toe-Riffic plan a miracle happened. My toes just woke up! They were fit and toned and now I can eat my Toasty Cheese Crackers again! Audience: YEAH!!! Host: ::sniffs:: What a touching story. And that’s just a small handful of the unbelievable results of the Toe-Riffic plan. Millions of personal trainers in other countries already use Toe-Riffic! Inquisitor: Bleep, bleep, bleep, spelling error, spelling error. Already does not contain vegetable oil! Host: Humph! Who said anything about vegetable oil? ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: I can’t eat vegetable oil, it’s too slippery and that goes right on to my toes. Inquisitor: ::Hums Jeopardy theme:: Dum de dum dum dum de dum, dum de dum de dum da dumdumdumdum.....beep beep, time’s up, stop writing. Ruthelford, what did you come up with? ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: ::smirks:: Vegetable Oil! Audience: ::applauds:: Inquisitor: I’m sorry, but that is incorrect. Audience: Awww man! Inquisitor: Rob, what did you come up with? Rob: ::frowns, then smiles:: GARLIC!!! Audience: Yea!!! Inquisitor: Congratulations! Audience: Whoopee! Inquisitor: And Jesse, what did you come up with? Jesse: Umm, I’m a contestant? Oh, OK, uhhhh, HANSON! Inquisitor: No, I’m sorry, Hanson is not in one of the four major food groups. ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: VEGETABLE OIL IS A FOOD! Inquisitor: It’s in the 5th group! It’s an oil! Ruthelford: Who eats Hanson?!? Inquisitor: No one! ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: Then why’d it count?!?!? Inquisitor: It didn’t! I hold you in contempt of this game show! Director: When did we become a game show? ::floor shakes again:: Ruthelford: I don’t know what contempt is, BUT I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT!!!!! Inquisitor: Fine with me. Host: If you call in the next half hour, you can get the Toe-riffic machine and a tape to show you how to use it for only 7 easy payments of $39.95. Call now 1-800-GLOBALSTUFF! Director: We have a phone number? Jesse: No one eats the MMMBoppers! Director: Does that have anything to do with how we got a telephone number? Host: Ruthelford, what are you doing to the cue cards? ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: Making the phone number. Host: OK, pick up the phone and die.... I mean dial! ::phone rings:: ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: It tis I! I make the phone ringeth! Director: Where we get a phone? Inquisitor: You can’t get rid of it, it came pre-installed. Host: Oh sheesh! Inquisitor: Sheesh is not a word. Perhaps you mean sheet or another word like MMMBop not meant to be said by civilized people? Host: Oh gerbil! Inquisitor: Oh gerbil? Since when is that a known phrase? Host: Since now. ::presses learn button:: Inquisitor: ::blinks:: Ahhh! Oh gerbil. Oh gerbil. Oh gerbil! Hanson Groupies: ::sings oh Gerbil to the tune of MMMBop:: Host: Hey, their songs actually sound better that way!!! Jesse: Sings with groupies:: O-Dot, Ohio Department of transpot, O-Dot, a wiggly blob on the, Road-Dot, we’ll clean it up, ooo-oo-Dot. Host: What happened to Oh Gerbil? ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: Didn’t fit! Host: You’re a Hanson groupie? ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: NO WAY! I just like stereotypes of Hanson lovers. They’re so susceptible to stupid singing cravings! Host: Mmmm, something smells like Kool-Aide! Inquisitor: Oh I give up, this job is hopeless. All these words that don’t exist! Host: Good, go away! Good riddance! ::floor shakes:: Ruthelford: He didn’t mean that! |